"I'm only good at being young"

My birthday is coming up and I'll no longer be a "teen". It's kinda weird to think about. 20 is actually a pretty big birthday but it gets completely over looked because next comes the infamous 21, which honestly, I couldn't care less about. Well since I'm about to start MY new year, I thought I would just talk about some things that I learned during my 19th year. Well I'm pretty sure that I knew all of these, but they were just reiterated with full force.

1. People come in and out of your life for a reason. Now, you probably think I'm refering to a good friend leaving my life, but you would be sadly mistaken. I am refering to those people in my life that I don't think I would ever choose to be friends with and they just won't leave me alone! (If you are worrying if I'm talking about you then I'm not. These people know who they are.) The more and more I am forced to interact with these people, the more I can see why we are a part of eachother's lives. They have so much to teach me and they have the tools to open my mind and heart to things that I never could have dreamed.

2. God is bigger, smarter, stronger, wiser than I am. Enough said.

3. No matter what is going on in your life, the world still rotates, the sun still rises and sets, people still get up in the morning and go to bed at night, dogs still bark, babies still cry, flowers still bloom, rain still falls, cars still start....are you getting my point here? The world doesn't stop when you feel like your world is crashing down. For some people this is the hardest thing that they will ever learn, but for me it was kind of relieving. I am NOT the center of the universe and thank God, because that would be a lot on my shoulders.

4. Family is forever. After moving out of the house I have learned to love and appreciate each member of my famliy and home more than ever before. They are the people that know you, love you and are on your side no matter what. I am so thankful for the family that I have and wouldn't trade any of them for the world.

5. Watch what you say. Think about every word before it comes out of your mouth. The tounge is deadly, and mine is probably one of the worst. One word can change a realationship forever. One sentence can make or break you. Words are our biggest weapon and there isn't a sheild big enough to protect you from what is hurled at you.

There are more, but I think that is heavy enough for today. Hopefully I can remember a few of these during the 20th year so they don't have to be flung at me so hard.

"Sleep don't come easily"

Well since I started school today I decided that I'd better make some goals for myself:

1. Stay on top of my school work.I am the world's biggest procrastinator. I need deadlines, I need to be babysat or else I'll wait till the last possible second do my work. I need to set my own deadlines this year, because lets be honest, its about time that I start getting good grades, or "reaching my full potential" as my advisor would say.

3. Go to class. I know this sounds like a pretty simple goal, but if you know me at all then you know that this is no simple task. I have no concept of time. My friends, family and boss can attest to this. If I tell you that I will meet you somewhere at a certian time, do yourself a favor and don't expect me for another half hour. Sorry, being late is one of my many faults. I'm pretty sure it's genetic. If you've met my mom or grandma then you know what I'm talkng about. My dad says we run on "Arney time" (Arney is my Grandma's maiden name) because all the women in my family are burdened with this curse and the men are convinced that when their daughters are late, it is not from their side of the family. So in light of this little disease that I have, I don't do well when I am told that I have to be somewhere at a certain time, and I am expected to be there on time. Usually I find something better to do or get sidetracked and blow off class entirely. Since goal #1is to get good grades and stay on top of my work, I think I should probably go to class because something tells me those two go hand in hand.

3. Prioritize my time. As mentioned above, I'm not very efficient with my time. Frankly, I kinda suck when it comes to getting stuff done. My walk-in closet is a great example of this. The floor is covered with dirty clothes, while there are few items that are actually still hung up. Those items consist of things given to me for christmas that are either too small or are completely...um...well...we'll just say they aren't my style. There is un upside to only doing laundry once a month though. The task of folding and putting away clothes is filled with the surprise discovery of finding items that I never remembered I had. It's like going shopping for free once a month! I love it! Anyway, I have so much going on this semester with my three different jobs, class, teaching a children's areobics class and nannying twice a week. I really need to buckle down and make the most of what little free time I will get.

Well, those are the only goals I have time to wirte down now, and frankly, I think the task will be all I can handle right now. Off to my next class!

"It seems like nothing is black and white anymore"

You'll probably never read this, and that is the way I'd like to keep it.

So, I just found out the news...you're having a baby...wow. I'm not sure if I should congratulate you or feel sorry for you. What is the etiquette on acknowledging that your ex-boyfriend knocked some girl up? Ok, ok I apologize. She isn't some girl, she's your girlfriend. Oh I apologize again, she is your fiance. My bad.

I don't know why finding out this news is effecting me. I have been detached to you for so long. I'm not really even sure how I feel. I'm not mad, I'm not jealous, I don't even think I'm sad. There is a small part of me that is relieved, thankful that it isn't me. There is also a small part of me that is confused, wondering where that goofy, innocent boy that I met at church camp three years ago went.

I guess I am a little sad. Sad that I don't know who you are anymore. Sad that I know you don't want all this. Sad that I know you wish your life was different. Sad that your son or daughter is gonna have a father who isn't ready to be who he needs to be.

I know that this is brutally honest, and the only reason I'm being this way is because I know you'll never read this. You, of all people, know that I would never say any of this to your face.

I just hope and pray that God turns you into the man that you are supposed to be and that you will raise your child in a Godly way.

Good luck, my dear

"My dear, you''re slow dancin' in a burning room"

I think it's funny how people pick and choose what they think God is telling them.

I was talking to a friend recently who is having all kinds of boy issues. I used to feel bad for her, but the more and more I listen to her the less bad I feel because I've figured out that she brings it all upon herself. She thinks that God is telling her things and giving her "signs" but it's pretty obvious to anyone lookng from an outside perspective that is a horrible idea. She manipulates everthing just so she can have reason to think that God wants her to be with this specific guy. Then she overreacts when he doesn't return her calls or texts (which is pretty frequently) and says that he just isn't close enough to God and isn't listening to God's plan well enough. Well sweetheart, did you ever think that God doesn't want the two of you to be together and that isn't part of his divine plan? Hmmmm.....how about we put two and two together now hun.

I know that I am no one to judge what God is showing her and what he isn't but it just kinda seems like she cares more about having a relationship with this boy instead of with God. It seems like she tries to convince herself that her relationship with God is more important, but from what I have witnessed, this boy is her god. When her relationship with him is good, then her realtionship with God is good. Or, I have also noticed that when this boys is struggling in his realtionship with God, she suddenly starts struggling too. I don't know. It just frustrates me when I see someone spirling downward and they don't even realize it. Or maybe they realize it but they feel like they have already put up such a front that they aren't allowed to struggle and question God's plan. At least own up to it when you are doing what you want and defying God's plan. Stop trying to twist God's commands to make them fit your plans.

Am I preaching to the choir here?

"Oh, the weight of it all"

Have you ever had something or someone in your life that you know shouldn't be there?
Now don't get me wrong, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and people come in and out of your life for a purpose, but did you ever know that someone came into your life for a reason and then you completely screwed that up?

I have felt so guilty lately because I know that God brought this person into my life and my life and actions have been the worst witness to him. I just keep thinking that I have gotten myself in way to deep and there is no way that I can fix this.

Then today it hit me. I am giving myself way too much credit. Who am I to think that I was so great and powerful to ruin God's plan? Thankfully God will work in spite of me. Then I started thinking ever deeper (shocker..i know) and I realized that maybe God brought this particular person into my life to teach me a lesson. To draw me closer to Himself. Maybe it was even to humble me, to show me that I am no where near perfect. I don't know what his ultimate goal with this situation is and I am thankful for that. I am so thankful to have a God that knows more than I do, can comprehend more than I can and that has plans far greater than anything I can understand, imagine or grasp.

It is so relieving to give up control, to have the weight of your world lifted off of your shoulders.