Palin was the hottest...

I feel like all I do is post videos anymore.

I've had this stuck in my head since my brother showed it to me at Thanksgiving and I can't hear the real song without singing the lyrics to this one.

I would love to see Obama really dance like that :)

My heart is full

I hate losing people. I don't lose people. Minus a few rare exceptions, if you are my friend then you are my friend for life and there are very few things that could change that.

A small crack in my heart has been gradually growing larger over the last few months because I've felt like I've been losing one of the most important people in my life. This crack was getting bigger and deeper, until tonight. I had the most refreshing 3 hour conversation with this person. Nothing big or dramatic happened, it was just normal. Catching up on all of the little things in our life all the things that we have been missing out on. I need normal. I've been craving normal. Lately my world has been spinning a little too fast for me and I needed this to slow it down to a pace I could handle. Isn't is funny how things work out like that?

It hurts

"I love you by and by. I don't know if I'd survive without a friend like you in my life."

Lately I have been feeling completely overwhelmed with love and gratitude for the people in my life. I have been going through a lot this past month, some people know about it and some don't, but regardless of where they're at I have never felt so much love and support in my life. I'm not sure if it's just me noticing it, or if those close to me just sense it, but I am just realizing how lucky I am. I have the greatest support system anyone could ever need.

My parents are amazing. My heart just explodes with love for them. They love and support me in whatever I do, they trust me and give me their honest optinion. I couldn't ask for two better people to have raised me. I am overflowing with gratitude for how much they love me and support me. They have set a perfect example of the realtionship that I someday will strive to have.

The rest of my family is wonderful. My brother, my cousins, my aunt. They are all exactly who I need them to be at the perfect times. My aunt is 2 hours away and it's like she can feel what I am going through and she'll text me out of no where saying exactly what I need to hear. It's crazy. She understands the things I tell her she doesn't think I'm crazy! She is great at giving the exact advice and encouragement that I need and most of the time I don't even think she realizes it. My brother keeps me sane. He knows exactly how to make me laugh. He keeps me grounded, he protects me. He is my discernment, even if I don't always appreciate it. He is everything a brother should be.

I have the best friends that anyone could ever ask for. They never judge me or think I'm crazy. Each one of them is perfectly....well, them. They each bring something different, but essential to the table. They are all so different then I am. I get so many different perspectives and ideas. They laugh with me, cry with me. They let me vent, let me be dramatic, but tell me when it's time to get over it. They bring me back down to earth when my head is in the clouds and tell when it's okay to dream and run away with my thoughts. They, like everyone else in my life are 100% loyal and supportive. I know that they will stand with me in whatever I decide to do, no matter what they think, and that means more to me than anything else.

I always wonder why I am so full of love and have so much to give, and then I realized that it is because I have so much love and support directed at me. I wish I could better express my apprecaition to these people in my lives, because there is no way that I could survive without them.

Can I have your number?

I spent last weekend with my brother and cousins down in Phoenix. It was so nice to get out of Flagstaff for a little while and spend some time with some of my favorite people in the world. When the boys weren't cracking me up with their ridiculous stories and banter, they were probably showing me youtube videos that they thought were hilarious. I thought I'd share some of my favorites with you. Keep in mind, these were shown to me by three 18 year old boys haha.



Charlene

"Speaking words of wisdom. Let it be."

Fall in love or fall in hate.
Get inspired or be depressed.
Ace a test or flunk a class.
Make babies or make art.
Speak the truth or lie and cheat.
Dance on tables or sit in the corner.
Life is divine chaos. Embrace it.
Forgive yourself. Breathe.

"Is everything this beautiful..."

So I have finally got up enough endurance to write about my first week of camp. BRIDGESwas not an easy week. This was the first year that this camp ever happened, so we were all braving this together. We had to have confidence in our director and cut her some slack when things went wrong because this was her first time too (TWSS). Luckily, it wasn't too hard to do that because Laurie is a pretty amazing lady. I look up to her so much and her passion for what she does is contagious. She was a great director, when I was at my lowest and didn't want to give anymore, I would think of her and that my efforts were a small part of making her dreams come true and that was my motivation to not punch anyone in the throat. Laurie's Story is pretty inspiring and shows that her whole heart is in this camp.


For the most part, I work with a pretty awesome group of girls. Unfortunately, every issue that had to be dealt with that week centered around one or two of the facilitators. That was the hardest part. I felt like I was surrounded by people that didn't deal with things in the way that is appropriate as an authority figure. I have never felt more physically or mentally drained then I have that week. I am so thankful that we didn't do two weeks in a row. This month break was much needed. Don't get me wrong though, I am so thankful to have met these girls and have them be a part of my life. They are all beautiful people, but some people just aren't meant to be leading girls so close to their own age. This upcoming week will be a lot better though because Laurie took care of those issues and repositioned some of my co-workers.

The girls, on the other hand, were amazing! My fellow facilitator, Addy, and I had the perfect group! I have never been more proud of a group of girls in my life!


These girls range from age 13 to 15 and at the beginning of the week these girls were the queen bees. They thought they were hot stuff and everyone had to answer to them. As the week progressed they were able to examine themselves and who they were becoming. Most of them didn't like what they saw and made huge improvements throughout the week. By the last day my heart was just overflowing with love, joy and pride for these girls. There are two that call or text me about every other day and ask advice or just want to say hi. It's hard to be a teenage girls these days and with the way that these girls were heading at such a early age, I hope that I can be at least one positive influence in their life.

Even though the week was one of the toughest I've had and I felt drained, useless and out of my element, by the end of the week I saw why I was there. I found what I am good at, the age that I work best with. I realized my calling in life. I feel so privileged that I was able to be apart of this for it's first year and with the group that was involved.



More Pictures

See us on the local news!

"Someday my generation is gonna rule the population"

My heart is broken right now...

It all started on Sunday afternoon. I was in the middle of watching Kung-Fu Panda and I got a text message asking if I had heard about the local high school kid that was killed. Shocked that I hadn't heard anything, I asked her what happened. She proceeded to tell me that three boys from my old high school shot another local kid point blank in the head. Two of the boys graduated from Sinagua with my brother, they were 18, and the other was going to be a senior, he was 17. The boy that was shot was only 16 and he had dropped out from one of the other high schools in town. My friend told me that she had heard that the boy that they shot was their drug dealer and their confrontation was over drugs.

This has been the topic of conversation with every person I have come in contact with that has lived in Flagstaff for more than 10 years. Whether it be running in to them at the grocery store, or seeing them at the gym, someone seems to have another piece of the puzzle that is this murder. They either talk about these kid's family lives, or what they were involved in or who their friends are. Everyone seems to have heard new information from someone who knows them or someone who is involved.

I feel like I am watching a television drama as I wait in anticipation for the next bit of information. Everyday the police release more information pertaining to the murder. So far, they have found that the murder was in fact over drugs. The night before the murder the 17 year old contacted the 16 year old and was interested in trading him some marijuana for ecstasy. The 16 year old agreed and set up a place for them to meet. When they met the 16 year old started beating the other kid, stole his marijuana and cell phone and told him to never try and sell drugs in his territory again. The 17 year old went home angry and called his friend (one of the 18 year olds charged) and his friend brought over a pellet gun and and loaded handgun. He gave him the pellet gun saying that it wouldn't get him in trouble if he used it. This was around 4am on last Thursday morning. Thursday night at 10pm was when the 16 year old's body was found with one gunshot wound in his head. He was already dead by the time they found him. Two of the boys are being charged with 1st degree murder, robbery and kidnapping. The third boy is being charged with premeditated murder, robbery and kidnapping.

I think the reason that this is the topic of everyone's conversation is because we are completely shocked. This is not the Flagstaff that we remember. People are shocked that teenagers that go to school with their kids would kill another person over drugs. My heart is broken because these kid's lives are over because of this decision, and in a town like Flagstaff, their family's lives are over too. Anyone who has recently attended high school in Flagstaff knows that there is a huge drug problem here and knows where to get drugs if they wanted to, but I think that this murder will open the eyes of the entire town, including law enforcement, to the reality of the drug problem, and that something needs to be done to stop it.

Here are links to the articles that have been in the local newspaper giving the newest information:

Sunday July 13th, 2008
Monday July 14th, 2008
Tuesday July 15th, 2008
Wednesday July 16th, 2008

"But today, I have the opportunity to choose"

There are so many categories, tiers, levels and connotations of the word loss. It could be as simple as losing a pencil, or go as deep and personal as the death of someone close and there is still so much in between. I recently "lost" my brother to a different town when he moved for college. There could be the loss of a home when you move somewhere new, the loss of a good friend when they grow and change, the loss of a family pet, or the loss of a job. No matter what is lost, it always seems to be a negative thing, or that seems to be how we react to it. I think it is because it is human nature to be uncomfortable with change.

Sometimes people, me included, thrive off change. I feel like it keeps me awake, on my toes, it keeps my heart beating. But, there is nothing like the safety, comfort and security of KNOWING what is going to happen. Loss requires a lot of trust because it means your future is going to change. We can't see the future so we have to trust that we are going to be okay and that we will be able to survive without whatever was lost. Trust is a tough concept because no one likes not being in control, but it is something that we have to do because honestly what other choice do we have? We can't change our current situations, we can't bring back what we have lost.

I firmly believe that everything in life is a choice. Love is a choice, trust is a choice, happiness and satisfaction are choices. Life is about your perspective and how you CHOOSE to look at it.

I do believe that there is something positive that comes out of loss and that is the ability to change and grow. It is an opportunity for us to choose if we are going to sit and think of what was or what could have been, or if we are going to use this to better ourselves, learn and grow.

I choose to trust and know that everything is going to be okay, even when I feel completely lost. I choose to see the positive in loss and use it to my advantage.

"You Can't Make Your Heart Feel Something It Won't"

I have learned a lot about heartbreak today. A good friend of mine is going through a break up and I have been trying to figure out how I can make her feel better. I put myself in her shoes and realized that I would get though the stages of grief through music. So as I'm going though my music library I began to realize that broken hearts make for some amazing music! Here is a VERY condensed list of some of my favorite songs having to do with heartbreak.

The Scientist-Coldplay

I Can't Make You Love Me-Bonnie Raitt

Slow Dancin' in a Burning Room-John Mayer

Apologies-Grace Potter and the Nocturnals

You Don't Bring Me Flowers-Neil Diamond and Barbara Streisand

Goodbye Waves and Drive Away-The Rocket Summer

Bound to Happen-The Spill Canvas

Bent-Matt Nathanson

Missing You-John Waite

Honorable Mention: Goodbye My Lover-James Blunt.........Just kidding ;)

"Lights, Camera, Action when I walk through the door"

Anyone who knows me probably knows how close I am to my brother. He is my best friend and I am so proud of the person that he is becoming. I don't even have the words to express it.

I just love my brother.

This article was on the front page of today's sports page.

April Fool's!

Nothing significant happen this April Fool's Day. Unfortunately, there were no good jokes pulled. I opted against my usual telling my parents I'm pregnant routine, because oddly, I don't think they find it too amusing. As usual I was the butt of many jokes that the kids I nanny for tried to pull on me.....so yeah, yesterday was fantastic (Do you detect that sarcasm?).

A friend sent this video to me yesterday and I think it would be an epic April Fool's joke.

"Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger"

I have too much time on my hands if I'm watching stuff like this....

"Summatime"

It's getting to be that time of year when the semester is almost over and I have to start trying to figure out what I am going to do for the summer. I have a couple different options. There are two camps that I have the opportunity to work at. One is an all girls camp called Bridges that is two separate weeks in the summer. The other is a camp that I worked at this last summer called ZonaYuthKamp. This is just for one week in July and it is held in California.

Because I don't think I have the energy to work two camps this summer, I need to choose between the two. I will probably end up going with Bridges because of the pay and because I need the change in atmosphere. Bridges is going to be a great opportunity as well because it actually has to do with the field I want to go into. It is a leadership camp for high school age girls and it is an opportunity for them to build their self-esteem.

My ultimate goal is to someday open a youth camp that has this same leadership/confidence building atmosphere. I think it is so important for young teenage kids to have those skills before they finish high school and I want to do whatever I can to enable them.

25 ways into a girl's heart

Apparently my ex-boyfriends have been sharing their wonderful dating skills:

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better." This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really, really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.

3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is, say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things; they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. Because jewelry is for wussies and Asian ladies.

7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words 'fuck you,' and grab the other girl's ass. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can."

9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick". Women love those special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm her up when she's cold... but not by giving her your jacket, because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say, "If you don't stop bitching about the cold right now, you're going to be bitching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party's dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn't girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. Like basketball.

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time you're in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way she'll go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order interrupt and say "No, she's not hungry". Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts... and make sure it has your smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You know what I'm talking about.

21. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.

22. Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her material objects aren't important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

23. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next time you know she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much, but I think it's funny.

24. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will ensure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Now don't call. That's also quite funny!

25. When she starts talking about the cellulite on her hips, tell her that you've noticed it, and that she has a double-butt because of it. Make sure you also tell her that it's much more noticeable when she walks up the stairs in front of you. Girls love an honest guy.

"Magic makes the music more..."

"Music can lift us out of depression or move us to tears - it is a remedy, a tonic, orange juice for the ear. But for many of my neurological patients, music is even more - it can provide access, even when no medication can, to movement, to speech, to life. For them, music is not a luxury, but a neccessity." -Oliver Sacks, Neurologist

Who knew that I could find such a good quote on my Starbucks cup this morning?

"Nobody likes a cynic"

Oh Valentine's Day....I never really understood why people get so worked up about it. I don't know, maybe it's because I've never been in a serious relationship during this particular day, but I just see all of this crap in the stores and I just think "if a guy were to give me this I would laugh at his face". My boyfriend/husband will know me well enough to know that when the time comes I guess. I was reading post secret today, and I was amazed at how much turmoil people go through just because of some stupid day that couples are supposed to have fun with. I don't know...it just seems like a day where people spend too much money, and it puts people through too much pain. Do other people feel this way or am I just a cynic? There are some with hope though...

"This town of mine..."

I saw this today and thought it was pretty funny. sadly most of it is true. If you've lived in flagstaf for any length of time you might enjoy it as well.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in Flagstaff.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Flagstaff.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number, you live in Flagstaff.

If 'vacation' means going anywhere south of Cordes Junction for the weekend, you live in Flagstaff.

If you measure distance in hours, you live in Flagstaff.

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in Flagstaff.

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' and back again in the same day, you live in Flagstaff.

If you install security lights on your house and garage but leave both unlocked, you live in Flagstaff.

If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Flagstaff.

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in Flagstaff.

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80, and everyone is still passing you, you live in Flagstaff.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in Flagstaff.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, you live in Flagstaff.

If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly' you live in Flagstaff.

"People will try, try to divide something so real"

Alicia Keys and John Mayer are one of my favorite duos of all time. When they collaborated for Alicia Keys' album As I Am with the song Lesson Learned I fell in love with their musical baby. Then, I got the most amazing surprise of my life at this years Grammy's....



All I have to say is....Girl crush of the year goes to Miss Alicia Keys

"Grace like rain, falls down on me"

"I love that you embrace non-believers, it's cool that you walk your walk down the same path beside them."

Someone said this to me a few days ago. It is true, I can count the number of true friends that I have that are believers on one hand. I try to be Lauren in every situation, no matter who I am around. Because Jesus is inside of me and He is such a big part of me, my hope is that he shines through me. My goal is to show non-believers that Christians aren't who they think they are. A Christian isn't someone to judge and condemn you for the life that you live, it is someone who loves and accepts you no matter what you do. I want to be someone that, through my actions and lifestyle, can show that something better is out there. I want to show people the same grace that my God has shown me.

"Holy, Holy, Holy"

I haven't giggled this hard in a long time...

"I'm only good at being young"

My birthday is coming up and I'll no longer be a "teen". It's kinda weird to think about. 20 is actually a pretty big birthday but it gets completely over looked because next comes the infamous 21, which honestly, I couldn't care less about. Well since I'm about to start MY new year, I thought I would just talk about some things that I learned during my 19th year. Well I'm pretty sure that I knew all of these, but they were just reiterated with full force.

1. People come in and out of your life for a reason. Now, you probably think I'm refering to a good friend leaving my life, but you would be sadly mistaken. I am refering to those people in my life that I don't think I would ever choose to be friends with and they just won't leave me alone! (If you are worrying if I'm talking about you then I'm not. These people know who they are.) The more and more I am forced to interact with these people, the more I can see why we are a part of eachother's lives. They have so much to teach me and they have the tools to open my mind and heart to things that I never could have dreamed.

2. God is bigger, smarter, stronger, wiser than I am. Enough said.

3. No matter what is going on in your life, the world still rotates, the sun still rises and sets, people still get up in the morning and go to bed at night, dogs still bark, babies still cry, flowers still bloom, rain still falls, cars still start....are you getting my point here? The world doesn't stop when you feel like your world is crashing down. For some people this is the hardest thing that they will ever learn, but for me it was kind of relieving. I am NOT the center of the universe and thank God, because that would be a lot on my shoulders.

4. Family is forever. After moving out of the house I have learned to love and appreciate each member of my famliy and home more than ever before. They are the people that know you, love you and are on your side no matter what. I am so thankful for the family that I have and wouldn't trade any of them for the world.

5. Watch what you say. Think about every word before it comes out of your mouth. The tounge is deadly, and mine is probably one of the worst. One word can change a realationship forever. One sentence can make or break you. Words are our biggest weapon and there isn't a sheild big enough to protect you from what is hurled at you.

There are more, but I think that is heavy enough for today. Hopefully I can remember a few of these during the 20th year so they don't have to be flung at me so hard.

"Sleep don't come easily"

Well since I started school today I decided that I'd better make some goals for myself:

1. Stay on top of my school work.I am the world's biggest procrastinator. I need deadlines, I need to be babysat or else I'll wait till the last possible second do my work. I need to set my own deadlines this year, because lets be honest, its about time that I start getting good grades, or "reaching my full potential" as my advisor would say.

3. Go to class. I know this sounds like a pretty simple goal, but if you know me at all then you know that this is no simple task. I have no concept of time. My friends, family and boss can attest to this. If I tell you that I will meet you somewhere at a certian time, do yourself a favor and don't expect me for another half hour. Sorry, being late is one of my many faults. I'm pretty sure it's genetic. If you've met my mom or grandma then you know what I'm talkng about. My dad says we run on "Arney time" (Arney is my Grandma's maiden name) because all the women in my family are burdened with this curse and the men are convinced that when their daughters are late, it is not from their side of the family. So in light of this little disease that I have, I don't do well when I am told that I have to be somewhere at a certain time, and I am expected to be there on time. Usually I find something better to do or get sidetracked and blow off class entirely. Since goal #1is to get good grades and stay on top of my work, I think I should probably go to class because something tells me those two go hand in hand.

3. Prioritize my time. As mentioned above, I'm not very efficient with my time. Frankly, I kinda suck when it comes to getting stuff done. My walk-in closet is a great example of this. The floor is covered with dirty clothes, while there are few items that are actually still hung up. Those items consist of things given to me for christmas that are either too small or are completely...um...well...we'll just say they aren't my style. There is un upside to only doing laundry once a month though. The task of folding and putting away clothes is filled with the surprise discovery of finding items that I never remembered I had. It's like going shopping for free once a month! I love it! Anyway, I have so much going on this semester with my three different jobs, class, teaching a children's areobics class and nannying twice a week. I really need to buckle down and make the most of what little free time I will get.

Well, those are the only goals I have time to wirte down now, and frankly, I think the task will be all I can handle right now. Off to my next class!

"It seems like nothing is black and white anymore"

You'll probably never read this, and that is the way I'd like to keep it.

So, I just found out the news...you're having a baby...wow. I'm not sure if I should congratulate you or feel sorry for you. What is the etiquette on acknowledging that your ex-boyfriend knocked some girl up? Ok, ok I apologize. She isn't some girl, she's your girlfriend. Oh I apologize again, she is your fiance. My bad.

I don't know why finding out this news is effecting me. I have been detached to you for so long. I'm not really even sure how I feel. I'm not mad, I'm not jealous, I don't even think I'm sad. There is a small part of me that is relieved, thankful that it isn't me. There is also a small part of me that is confused, wondering where that goofy, innocent boy that I met at church camp three years ago went.

I guess I am a little sad. Sad that I don't know who you are anymore. Sad that I know you don't want all this. Sad that I know you wish your life was different. Sad that your son or daughter is gonna have a father who isn't ready to be who he needs to be.

I know that this is brutally honest, and the only reason I'm being this way is because I know you'll never read this. You, of all people, know that I would never say any of this to your face.

I just hope and pray that God turns you into the man that you are supposed to be and that you will raise your child in a Godly way.

Good luck, my dear

"My dear, you''re slow dancin' in a burning room"

I think it's funny how people pick and choose what they think God is telling them.

I was talking to a friend recently who is having all kinds of boy issues. I used to feel bad for her, but the more and more I listen to her the less bad I feel because I've figured out that she brings it all upon herself. She thinks that God is telling her things and giving her "signs" but it's pretty obvious to anyone lookng from an outside perspective that is a horrible idea. She manipulates everthing just so she can have reason to think that God wants her to be with this specific guy. Then she overreacts when he doesn't return her calls or texts (which is pretty frequently) and says that he just isn't close enough to God and isn't listening to God's plan well enough. Well sweetheart, did you ever think that God doesn't want the two of you to be together and that isn't part of his divine plan? Hmmmm.....how about we put two and two together now hun.

I know that I am no one to judge what God is showing her and what he isn't but it just kinda seems like she cares more about having a relationship with this boy instead of with God. It seems like she tries to convince herself that her relationship with God is more important, but from what I have witnessed, this boy is her god. When her relationship with him is good, then her realtionship with God is good. Or, I have also noticed that when this boys is struggling in his realtionship with God, she suddenly starts struggling too. I don't know. It just frustrates me when I see someone spirling downward and they don't even realize it. Or maybe they realize it but they feel like they have already put up such a front that they aren't allowed to struggle and question God's plan. At least own up to it when you are doing what you want and defying God's plan. Stop trying to twist God's commands to make them fit your plans.

Am I preaching to the choir here?

"Oh, the weight of it all"

Have you ever had something or someone in your life that you know shouldn't be there?
Now don't get me wrong, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and people come in and out of your life for a purpose, but did you ever know that someone came into your life for a reason and then you completely screwed that up?

I have felt so guilty lately because I know that God brought this person into my life and my life and actions have been the worst witness to him. I just keep thinking that I have gotten myself in way to deep and there is no way that I can fix this.

Then today it hit me. I am giving myself way too much credit. Who am I to think that I was so great and powerful to ruin God's plan? Thankfully God will work in spite of me. Then I started thinking ever deeper (shocker..i know) and I realized that maybe God brought this particular person into my life to teach me a lesson. To draw me closer to Himself. Maybe it was even to humble me, to show me that I am no where near perfect. I don't know what his ultimate goal with this situation is and I am thankful for that. I am so thankful to have a God that knows more than I do, can comprehend more than I can and that has plans far greater than anything I can understand, imagine or grasp.

It is so relieving to give up control, to have the weight of your world lifted off of your shoulders.